Real Conversations, Part 1

“When was the last time that you had a great conversation, a conversation which wasn’t just two intersecting monologues, in which you overheard yourself saying things that you never knew you knew, that brought the two of you on to a different plane; a conversation that continued to sing in your mind for weeks afterwards? I’ve had some of them recently, and it’s just absolutely amazing, they are food and drink for the soul, you know?” ~ Poet and writer John O’Donohue

I’ve had the kinds of conversations O’Donohue speaks of, with close and trusted friends, and they are food for the soul. But, they seem to be rare these days - or at least for me. In this polarized landscape of social media and sound bites, real dialogue is often missing in action, and I know I’m a little hesitant to engage when there are differences. Yet, it’s only through deep listening and courageous conversations that problems get solved and change happens. 

O’Donohue’s friend and fellow poet, David Whyte, writes about the conversational nature of reality. In fact, we are always conversing through our interactions with people, the more than human world, and the events of our lives. What is the quality of those conversations? How well do we listen and communicate? The quality of the conversation matters; it determines the depth of the relationship and how clearly we see.

This week, let’s notice the conversations we’re having with people and circumstances we encounter. Next week, we’ll explore conversations with the non-human world. 

“You can never enter into a relationship with others if you believe that you have a monopoly on truth. Cognitive, so-called “knowledge-based,” interactions are not sufficient for authentic dialogue to occur. One must be open and willing to entertain a diversity of thought and discover a common ground by going to a higher ground.” ~ The Spirit of Authentic Dialogue, Fast Company

Prepare the ground for good conversation.

• Slow down and stay alert to opportunities.

• Ask good questions and listen - with eyes, ears, mind, attention, and especially heart.

• Have the courage to be vulnerable and share from your deepest self.

• Be open. Everyone and everything has something to teach us.

• Be slow to judge. Everyone is going through something.

Practice

Can you have a conversation this week with another person that sings? Choose someone close to you and go deeper with them or have a conversation you’ve been putting off. Be open to opportunities to have a conversation with a stranger that goes deeper than niceties. David Whyte suggests asking beautiful questions. Here’s a list of some you could try. 

Respond rather than react to a situation that comes up, whether expected or not. Listening is key. What are you hearing and how do you respond? Of course, this goes along with everything we’ve been doing thus far - pausing, noticing sensations and emotions, seeing what’s really happening. 

Sometimes, the kindest response is to refrain from conversation. When do you decide that’s the best option?

Tell us how it went.

Resources

Short and sweet. Seth Godin writes of the importance of realizing that You Will Be Misunderstood. Which is why it’s important to be as clear as possible in your delivery and to try to understand the other’s paradigm and what they might be hearing.

Listen to (or read the transcript) of these excellent On Being interviews, one with David Whyte - The Conversational Nature of Reality - and the other, John O’Donohue - The Inner Landscape of Beauty.

And, Whyte is offering a 3-series course on deepening conversations in July. Learn more.

A personal post, My Gift from the Sea.