The Practice of Unselfing

For seeing clearly

“A taste of wholeness is the feel of being part of something big going on. It is also the experience of being rightfully integrated with the other. It is the seamless experience, the moment of unification, the forgetting of one’s self.” ~ Laura Sewall, Sight and Sensibility

Naomi Klein ends her fabulous book, Doppelgänger, with a chapter called Unselfing. She tells the story of Charlie Veron, a coral reef scientist studying the Great Barrier Reef, who says that it is the job of his life to de-center himself so that he can truly see other life forms and what they need. Klein says that for collective survival, this is what we must do. But unselfing implies that there is a self so, what is a self?

What is a self?

“Who we are is defined more by our way of interacting with the world than by our beliefs.” ~ Tim Carpenter, To Photograph is to Learn How to Die 

Carpenter’s book was very helpful to me in thinking about this topic. He describes the self as something internal, created over time from our experiences and choices made in life. It includes our memories, the skills we’ve developed, and the relationships we’ve formed. It’s shaped by the place we were born, the family and culture we were born into, and what’s happened to us and those around us. It informs our morals, values, worldview, and behaviors. 

We are not isolated individuals. The self experiences the world through the body, via the senses. Thoughts follow, which are influenced by memories, desires, hopes and plans, fears and anticipation. Based on these things, we make our choices. However, the self can be an obstacle if our preconceived ideas are too rigid. It can prevent us from seeing clearly and seeing all the possible choices we could make. 

This self is never fully formed; it’s dynamic, ever-changing, as we incorporate new learning and experiences. The self changes when new experiences present themselves or when we practice scrutinizing our preconceived ideas and learn from new information. In other words, we can see differently and make different choices. The self can prevent us from seeing clearly and seeing all the possible choices we could make. 

Carpenter’s main premise is that, as humans, there is a perceived separation and tension between what is in the world (the not-self) and the perceived self. This tension occurs when reality doesn’t seem to match our expectations or longings. We need an act of decreation (or forgetting or unselfing) in order to see the world as it is, to use our imagination to see the many possibilities for action or creation. 

What is unselfing?

I’m sure you’ve had the experience of being completely in the moment, when past and future, thoughts and ideas, cares and woes, all disappear. Self becomes unimportant. It’s sometimes called being in a state of flow and it’s a wonderful place to be. I am in this space while practicing contemplative photography, listening to music, reading a good book, and giving my full attention to someone or something.

In his book, The Heart Aroused, poet and writer David Whyte says that self-forgetfulness is the essence of firsthand experience. One is not trying to get something out of an experience; instead, it is “the primary touchstone between our individuality and the strange way our individuality depends on everything else.” In other words, life is about the encounter, the meeting of your interiority with the exteriority of the world. That’s why it’s so important to notice when “self” gets in the way. 

The writer and philosopher, Iris Murdoch, called observing something beautiful as “an occasion for unselfing.” She said that we don’t unself through an act of will but through active surrender, through a temporary letting go of thoughts, ideas, and judgments. 

We live in a very judgmental world. Everything is quickly evaluated, opinions formed, sides taken. The stance I want to bring into life is to evaluate (or judge) less and to question more, to examine my likes and dislikes, opinions and judgements, or at least suspend them for a while until I have a better picture. There’s always more to discover, even in something or someone familiar. Everything is always in flux – evolving and changing before our eyes, whether we see it or not.

And finally, there is Carpenter’s decreation, which is a form of unselfing and a necessary step in the act of creation or in just making a new choice. As we interact with the world, we’re faced with many possible responses. How do we decide what to do? Decreation is a method of culling what’s not essential and eliminating the projections of self onto the choice or creation. The purpose is to see what we might be missing. It’s an exercise in entertaining new possibilities.

He calls the first step, culling what’s not essential, as forgetting the past. This may sound strange, yet Carpenter tells a fascinating fact about memory; that we’ve already forgotten almost every bit of our direct experience because this is a necessary part of being human. He says we need to eliminate the excess and decide what’s important to remember in order to grow. This gives space for our imagination to soar.

The second part of decreation is the elimination of projections. This is where we notice our preconceived ideas and let them go to work with the reality we’ve got. Of course, it may not be possible to eliminate projections entirely; we’ll always bring some of our preferences to our choices and creations. 

Unselfing feels humbling. Humility is not about putting yourself below others or being self-effacing. It’s seeing reality as it is, rather than in terms of how it affects us. It’s having respect and empathy for the experiences of others and wanting what’s best for all. A humble person is one who knows how to unself. We need this humility, this practice of unselfing, to find common ground with other living beings.

We live in such an evaluative, judgy world, it feels freeing to relax the body and the mind, to let judgments and opinions go for a bit. When are you completely present with no ideas, judgments, likes or dislikes, no thoughts of self? How does it feel?

Practice

The practices below can help expand our sensory and emotional awareness so that our experience of life is deeper and richer. We learn to notice our judgments, opinions, perceptions, biases, etc. and suspending them for a time is freeing. These practices help us to be better people (and artists), as well as just getting greater enjoyment out of our everyday lives.

Practice awareness of the body through the senses. Create more space between stimulus and response. Open your senses and get in touch with your body’s intuitive and emotional responses. This is where reality and truth can be found. Practice choiceless awareness. Let your body lead. 

Practice awareness of the mind. Pay attention and get curious. Notice when thoughts and ideas arise and fall, and surrender to whatever you’re experiencing. Notice when the mind starts analyzing and judging, liking and disliking. Simply noticing that you’re thinking is often enough to dissipate or lessen the power of your thoughts, without any other direct action. 

Suspend thoughts, ideas, judgments, opinions. One of my favorite phrases right now is that opinions are overrated. Anyone can spout an opinion on anything and it’s just that, an opinion. It’s not that you can’t have opinions or likes and dislikes. It’s just that we’re too quick to judge, to evaluate, to form an opinion without all the evidence. An important practice for me has been to realize that it’s not always necessary to offer an opinion. Restrain yourself and practice saying, “I don’t really know.”

Notice when you move into complaining. Spend a little more time just experiencing life as it’s happening without any desire to evaluate. If you don’t like what’s happening, what can you do about that?

Notice when your mind goes to what you “should” do or be doing and let that go too. See that you always have many different choices, whether you decide to take them or not. 

Become aware of your blindspots. Get curious and ask yourself what you might be missing or what you still need to know. Decide which experts are worth your attention and learn from many experts before making conclusions. Sometimes we miss the elephant (or gorilla) in the room.

Conclusion 

Robert Weschler ends the book, Seeing is Forgetting the Name of the Thing One Sees, about the artist Robert Irwin, by alluding to the far-reaching possibilities of this self-awareness and self-forgetting – for not only art but our lives. 

“When we start to see differently, it changes us. When we are changed by the way we see (our mental organization), this can eventually lead to changes in our social, political, and cultural organizations. Now, that’s powerful.” - Robert Irwin, Seeing is Forgetting

We all want to be unique and singular, yet unselfing can help us to connect to the world and realize how we can bring our unique talents, views, skills, interests to the whole. How do you unself?

Resources 

Iris Murdoch on “unselfing” via The Marginalian

John Cage used “chance operations” while creating to take himself out of the equation as much as possible and see what would happen. 

** Books mentioned have Amazon or Bookshop affiliate links, meaning I make a few cents if you purchase through my link. I only recommend books that I’ve read.