I have a habit of tracking impermanence . Recently, I was at a farm stand and noticed the patterned light painting the zucchini above and quickly snapped a photo. I knew that the light would quickly shift and change this scene. The zucchini would be purchased and eaten and then, well you know.
"Change happens. Change is definitely going to happen, no matter what we plan or expect or hope for or set in place. We will adapt to that change, or we will become irrelevant." ~ Emergent Strategy: Shaping Change, Changing Worlds by adrienne maree brown
Change is a fundamental aspect of existence, the second law of thermodynamics. In every moment, something is created, then matures, and eventually withers and dies. Impermanence is everywhere. Change is ongoing, whether we like it or not.
Yet, it’s human nature to resist change. We long for things to stay the same or we long for them to be different. We want stability, predictability because uncertainty feels scary. I’ve thought about this tension a lot in terms of living a contemplative life and part of my practice has been to work with my own relationship to change. And, I created a whole course called Celebrate Impermanence so I could practice with others.
** You can download the PDF for that course for free here.
So, what have I learned from these practices? How has my relationship to change - changed? In this essay, I’ll share some of the ways I’ve learned to work with, and even celebrate, change and impermanence in my life, along with the ways I still struggle.
Tracking Impermanence
My habit of tracking impermanence started when I decided one winter day to take a walk in my neighborhood and photograph examples of change - things that weren't there the last time I took this walk or might not be there the next time. I saw peeling paint, snowmen, tire tracks, Christmas trees in the trash, and orange leaves hanging on by a thread. I realized that every time I take a walk, it’s never the same. I don’t know about you, but I think that’s pretty exciting.
You can do this in your home too. What’s there that wasn’t there a year ago or even last month? How is your partner changing or has changed? And, if you say they haven’t then you’re not looking closely enough. Or, you can track changes throughout the day from sunrise to sunset. Notice how the light moves.
Attuning to the Rhythms of Nature
In Lyanda Lynn Haupt’s book on Darwin, Pilgrim on the Great Bird Continent, she shares a practice that her family does, based on the concept of phenology, “the study of cyclical phenomena in the natural world.” Her family “pays careful attention to the migrations of birds, the unfolding of leaves, the blooming of flowers, the arrivals of butterflies, the outbreaks of tent caterpillars, the singing of warblers, the nesting of crows, the cycles of weather, the night sky.” And, they track these rhythms in a journal.
There is a circular rhythm to life that can be experienced each day if we stay attuned. The sun rises, the light moves across the sky, and the sun sets. The tides go in and out. The seasons change. Nature is our greatest teacher. She shows us again and again the rhythm of life, how to accept. celebrate and then let it go.
There are also rhythms and seasons in life - beginnings, endings, and transitions - that we honor with rituals and celebrations. Whether celebrating a birthday, graduation, a new job, or mourning a death at a funeral, these are symbolic activities that provide comfort and healing. In my town, there are annual festivals to celebrate the fruit harvests.
On a smaller scale, you may have daily rituals, ways to mark important moments and to celebrate on an ongoing basis. You may greet the dawn with a sun salutation or cup of coffee, pause for a sunset, or give thanks before eating a meal. Just by pausing and being present in the midst of our days at random times can become a ritual. My daily rituals include coffee, a walk, reading, writing, and photography.
Living Immediately
There is a motto or practice in stoicism called “memento mori,” or always remembering that you could die at any time. This is not meant to be morbid, but rather a reminder to live now. Don’t put off what you really want to do and experience joy when you can.
Joy is wonder felt in the body. I experience it when I spend time with friends and family, witness kindness and compassion, read a good book or listen to good music. Yet, joy is also tinged with grief since nothing lasts forever. Poet Ross gay says it well.
“I wanted to realize joy as a fundamental aspect of our lives and practice it as a discipline. Joy, at least the way I understand it, comes from the realization that we’re all going to die. So as a kind of rigorous holding of one’s life, joy becomes the capacity to train our gaze on many things so that what we see includes what’s terrible but also what’s wonderful and beautiful.” ~ Ross Gay, The L.A. Times
I've found the practice of contemplative photography helps me to experience joy every day. When I’m able to stay open and receptive to what life offers, I'm often surprised and delighted. I live in a small town and sometimes it can feel as if I've seen it all. But just as I start thinking that way, something new startles and delights me.
Brene Brown says in her book, Braving the Wilderness, that joy is the most vulnerable of emotions. We’re afraid to feel it because we think that disaster or disappointment is right around the corner. Or, we might feel that if others are suffering, we have no right to be joyful. Yet, our joy can have a positive ripple effect on others. It’s not just for us.
Allowing myself to be Vulnerable
Brene Brown is a researcher on vulnerability. In her book, Daring Greatly, she defines it as experiencing “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” I know I feel vulnerable when facing change or taking a risk. It feels scary, yet we have to take risks and be courageous, in order to grow. There will also be situations that come up that require us to take a risk and be courageous.
I was reading Roger Housden's book, Keeping the Faith Without a Religion, while stuck in an airport. My flight had just been canceled and many people were loudly resisting and complaining. Housden was telling an incredible story about being detained and questioned while in Iran. He didn’t know if he would ever get home, let alone get home alive. At that moment, he let go of his resistance and surrendered to what was happening. He said he had never felt so alive.
Resistance is a natural, instinctual reaction when facing change. Noticing when you resist and when you allow and how it makes you feel is an important practice. Complaining and feeling as though life isn't fair are two red flags for resistance. Life often isn’t fair and sometimes things don’t work out but complaining changes nothing. All you can do is accept and adapt to the moment.
There are some changes that need to be resisted, not in the sense of things staying the way they were, but in offering a different solution. This is being proactive, not reactive. Become aware of your relationship to change - notice when you resist and when you allow. Learn to adapt and see new possibilities.
My biggest resistance to change comes with relationships. I always want them to be better than they are at the moment. Nothing wrong with that, but this resistance prevents me from appreciating the good in it now. And, it says to the person I'm in a relationship with that something might be lacking in them.
Our minds tend to fix things and people into a caricature and we forget that they, like us, are always changing. Everything evolves, people, as well as relationships. Nothing is ever completely perfect. I try to remember this and allow others to be who they are and to focus more on what I bring to the relationship. It's an ongoing process.
Accepting Loss and Grief
I also tend to be a worrier, especially around the most important people in my life. This will probably never change, but I’ve become more aware of when my worrying is getting out of hand and how it feels in my body. There are strategies for dealing with worrying. Noticing is the first step for me, followed by taking some deep breaths, and perhaps going for a walk. Listening to Jason Mraz sing The Remedy - “I won’t worry my life away.”
No matter how much worrying we do, though, losses will inevitably occur and leave us saddened, and sometimes in a state of pain and suffering. This is natural and normal, the sweet remnants of love. Like light and shadow, yin and yang, loss and love go hand in hand. It’s important to acknowledge loss and to grieve when necessary.
Mostly, we think of loss in terms of the most significant ones - leaving a cherished home, losing a spouse or a parent, the end of a marriage, or dealing with an illness. One of the ways I practice dealing with loss is to notice everyday losses, like losing one of a pair (an earring or sock or glove), taking the last bite of a cookie or last sip of coffee, composting withered flowers, or noticing the loss of silence when the family comes home. Feeling the gentle sadness of loss and then being grateful for the love it derives from.
Celebrating impermanence and accepting loss doesn’t mean that you won’t experience grief. Loss always coincides with grief. While grief is not easy to talk about or experience, it's still an essential part of the healing process. And, sometimes grief never fully ends. Instead, it must be integrated into who you are now. There are many ways you can experience grief, whether by creating art, looking through old photographs, or having a day of remembrance. Give yourself permission to grieve.
Conclusion
Tibetan monk Thich Nhat Hanh says that we don’t suffer because of impermanence but because of our ideas about permanence. We equate impermanence with pain and suffering and lose track of the incredible gift that is life. Change can and will happen, with or without you. I hope you see each day as the gift it is, no matter what it brings.
How do you practice dealing with change? I’d love to know.
Thanks for this post. It’s particularly poignant at this time in my life. 🙏